My Not That Exciting but Perfectly Fine Life


"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.” Frederick Keonig

Saturday, May 31, 2008

Cultivating a Grateful Heart

Last night it stormed…really stormed…and I enjoyed it thoroughly. I’ve been waiting for an all out thunderstorm with pounding rain, flashing lightning, and booming thunder. They’ve been forecasting such a storm over the course of the last few weeks…but it always seemed to escape us. Last night…it finally hit. I’m so thankful. There’s just something about a good storm. In a way it matched the depth of all the emotions I’ve been feeling over the last month or so. And beyond that, a good thunderstorm reminds me of God’s power. I used to be frightened by storms, but now I’ve grown to love them. I guess I’m starting to take after my Dad in that way. Last night I sat in bed reading as the storm was brooding outside my open window. I enjoyed the light breeze until the storm went full force and started blowing the rain through my screen window. So, I closed it but the left the blinds up so I could fully enjoy the lightening as it raced across the sky. I stayed up until mid-night reading and watching the storm…not caring about the late hour…just soaking in the beautiful night that it was, embracing the moment.

I finished my book this morning and was so inspired by it. It’s called Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life by Shauna Niequist. Shauna has such a beautiful writing style. The book is really a series of essays about life. Each essay makes up a chapter. The essays include topics about forgiveness, jealousy, friendship, loss, love, etc. But all the chapters have much more interesting titles than what I’ve listed above…she has a unique way with words…very creative but not so much that you come away thinking…what was all that fluff she wrote about? Instead, you come away thinking…how clever. Her illustrations and word pictures drive her points home and leave you with a better understanding in the end. I was struck by her honesty and often times I found myself saying, “you too?” I could relate with her and came away thinking I could really enjoy being friends with this girl. The whole book was like a breath of fresh air to me. I’ve been inspired to celebrate the seemingly little things…that really are extraordinary once you stop and think about it. The last few weeks I’ve made a habit of writing down several things at the end of every day that I’m thankful happened during the day. I decided I needed to cultivate an attitude of gratefulness so I don’t fill my thoughts and heart with gloom and doom. It’s been very therapeutic and has kept my perspective in a good place. So I thought I’d share some of the things that have happened in the last couple weeks that I’m thankful for.

A couple weekends ago I headed to Bloomington to hang out with Claire and John. Claire is a true bosom buddy. We’ve known each other since we were six years old and every year our friendship grows deeper, stronger, and richer. I can’t thank God enough for her. In an effort to lighten my mood we filled the weekend with fun activities. By the end of the weekend we had played the Nintendo Wii, bought the exact same tennis shoes (no kidding – we can get away with it since we live in different cities), taken a few walks, gone to see Prince Caspian (it was opening weekend), and bought flowers at the local farmers market. I planted my flowers later in the week. It was the most therapeutic thing I’ve don’t yet, I think. It’s funny how flowers can make me so happy….but they do. Now they grace my deck and patio outside my front door. It was the first time I had played the Wii. Even though I came away stinking sore from it, I really enjoyed it. We played tennis, baseball, bowling, ping pong, boxing, and several other games. The boxing was what did me in. After the second time of boxing against Claire I found myself so sore that I grimaced that night whenever I turned over in bed. Nonetheless, I was thankful I could feel my muscles…I was alive and that’s something to be thankful for.

The following weekend Andy, Elissa, and Joshua came to Fort Wayne for a wedding. I had the joy of babysitting Joshua while Andy and Elissa attended the wedding. So, Joshua made his debut trip to the zoo with his Aunt Jamie. I must say, he’s still a little young to fully appreciate the entirety of the zoo. For example, he was more interested in the pool of water below him than the monkeys or dingo on the other side of the water. He was quite the trooper though and did really well while we were there. Christin, Bob, Thomas, and Chairith went to the zoo as well. Of course, we had to get a picture of Bob by the bobcat sign. We had a great time hanging out…and the weather was perfect.

Christin is another huge blessing in my life. She provides just the right amount of humor relief at just the right time. She’s also been really sensitive and attentive to my needs. This last week we took an evening to play frisbee golf at Shoaf park. I had never played frisbee golf, but found it to be a fun group activity. I’m not really that good. It’s just like golf…the lower the score the better. The best score I got was four. I almost got three but the frisbee bounced off the goal so it ended up being four. Oh well. Later that evening we went over to Bob’s place and played Rock Band...a video game made up of an actual guitar, drum set, and microphone for singing. Again…this was another first for me. I ended up playing the drums and very much enjoyed it. I played percussion in high school, but never learned how to play the drum set. So I enjoyed a taste of what that would be like.

I’m also thankful for the spunk and determination that seems to be resurfacing in me. Christin, Michelle, Leandra and I were playing frisbee on Memorial Day and Christin threw a wild one that ended up perched in a nearby pine tree. She had no intention of climbing it after assessing the situation, however; I couldn’t resist the challenge. I climbed through the branches in my tevas, brushing away the pine needles and the thorns intertwined with the tree until I finally reached up and grabbed the stray frisbee. It felt so good to tackle the dilemma at hand. My brother, Peter, doesn’t call me a monkey for nothing.

Speaking of Peter, he had a rather exciting event happen this week. He works for the Department of Education for the state of Florida and presented a U.S. flag to Governor Charlie Crist. The flag was flown in Afghanistan while he was serving there last year . I’m so proud of him for his willingness to sacrifice in service to this country. I’m also so thankful he’s back in the states and safe. It’s wonderful to be able to talk with him often.
I’m also thankful for my job. I’ve had a lot on my plate at work lately…well really that’s all the time with my job. But lately, deadlines have been approaching and I’ve had to stay busy to get the job done…which has helped me to focus my mind on the tasks at hand rather than drifting off and getting sad. I’m amazed at God and how He works. I produce a live talk show and occasionally I have to prepare encore shows when we’re unable to do a live show for whatever reason. Well, a few months ago I chose an encore show to air next week. Little did I know when I picked it out a few months ago how much I would need to hear the message packaged in that show at this very moment. The featured book in the encore is The Power of Letting Go by Pam Vredevelt. The very question she asks in her book and during the interview is the question I’ve been asking a lot lately. It’s simply this: How can I embrace today, release my yesterdays, and prepare for tomorrow? The answer in a nutshell is release yesterday by surrendering the why – instead look for what God can do and how he’s going to show his power through this hard situation. Embrace today by accepting that what is, is. And prepare for the future by starting to ask, “God, what are you up to?” I was encouraged by these three points Pam made in the interview.
  1. When life is hard and God is in us, our broken places can become the windows where His glory shines through.

  2. When life is hard and God is in us, we who are broken pots can become trophies.

  3. When life is hard and God is in us, we can rest assured that somehow, some way God will bring his redeeming glory to bare in our lives and in the lives of others.

I also have a new song for this season called I’m Letting Go by Francesca Battistelli. It describes exactly how I feel right now. Her CD doesn’t release until July, but she’s released this particular song to radio stations across the nation and you can download it for free at musicremedy.com. Check it out when you have a moment. I love her style.

I also love this warmer weather. I’m excited for our apartment pool to open up. I have a feeling I’ll be utilizing it often this summer, basking in the sun and reading to my heart’s content. There’s nothing like reading by the pool. The warmer weather has also brought my neighbors outside more. I have several new ones…and they’re so friendly for which I’m thankful. It’s lovely to have neighbors to share potting soil with and to talk about neighborly things with.

So, my heart is encouraged even in the middle of my pain and grief. God has shown me in so many ways His great love for me. He has invited me to enjoy the fullness of His love in the celebration of the everyday occurrences He’s brought into my life. The more I stop and embrace them, the more I soak in His love and come away with a sense of His healing touch on my heart. I’m so thankful I serve Christ…a mastermind of the heart…of my heart.

Jamie at 10:05 PM

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Wednesday, May 14, 2008

A Season for Grieving

I turned 26 years old since I last posted on here, and I feel old. While I celebrate the 26 years of life God has given me, I also grieve the fact I can no longer check the age box that says 21-25. I now have to check the box that says 26-30. There’s just something about being categorized with a 30 something that makes me feel old. Not that 30 is old and not that I’m old. I realize this. Regardless of the truth, some ages just make you feel, old ya know? Maybe I’ll feel young again when I’m 27. Who knows?

It seems like 2008 has been a year for separation…a season of death of sorts. My Grandpa John passed away in March. While I know he’s in heaven and out of pain, I still miss him. And then more recently Andy and Elissa moved to Wisconsin. It all came about rather suddenly. Andy lost his construction job due to a poor economy and several weeks later secured a job in Wisconsin near Elissa’s parents. It’s a great opportunity for them, and I’m excited for the possibilities this job may offer them. At the same time, I miss not having them only 45 minutes away. It was nice knowing they were there if I needed anything or if I just wanted to take a little road trip to see them and get some family time in. Now my little road trip has been lengthened by at least 4 hours. While I grieve that they are no longer close, I’m so thankful for the season we did have to live near each other. It was wonderful to be able to get to know Elissa…which wouldn’t have happened as easily if they lived further away. And it was wonderful to be able to be there through Elissa’s pregnancy with Joshua and to celebrate his birth and much of his first year of life. He’s really too cute for his own good. I’m going to miss that little guy. He brings so much joy to my heart. I believe the Lord has given me the gift of a deeper friendship with both Andy and Elissa over the last few years and that is priceless and will last even through the miles of separation. Word has it that where I lost a brother and sister-in-law, I’m gaining a cousin! You see, Dean and Amy have been appointed to pastor my home church in Gas City. So, it looks like I’ll still have a tie to those parts after all. I look forward to visits with them. And, Lord willing, in January Betsy and Gerson will be home from Bolivia and will be settling somewhere in Indiana for at least a year. I look forward to having them close by as well.

And even more recently than Andy and Elissa moving I’ve experienced another separation that brings me to a whole new level of grief. After much prayer and seeking counsel, Josh and I broke up. We agreed it’s not the right timing to continue moving forward. While I know this is God’s will and that we are in the right place, my heart is still broken. Even in the midst of the peace God’s given me, tears flow freely and sometimes my chest hurts so much it feels like it could explode. Apparently extreme emotional stress can release enough adrenaline to literally stun the heart into mimicking the symptoms of a heart attack. The good news is there’s no physical damage to the heart. The bad news is it takes time to feel better. I’m learning a whole new side of patience these days. The tears come swiftly, when I’m least expecting them, even in public, and I get so frustrated just wanting this season of grief to be over. But my wise friend, Jess, reminded me of God’s promise in Matthew 5:4 that says, “Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted.” There’s nothing to be ashamed of in my tears and it’s a part of my healing process. So even though it’s rather inconvenient at times, I just let them come. I’m also reminded that God makes everything beautiful in His time. He’s already given me so much through my time in dating Josh and has been at work making something beautiful all along. Indeed, he’s already made many things beautiful out of our relationship on so many levels. And I’m trusting he will continue to make something beautiful out of this, even now in all the pain and anguish. I’m waiting on the Lord and trust his Word will not come back void. I’m claiming Psalm 147:3 over my own life. It says, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” I keep asking God what it is he wants me to learn in this season of grief, because I know there’s a lesson in here somewhere. There is purpose in all of this. Psalm 138:8 says, “The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever, do not abandon the works of our hands.” I believe the Lord has not abandoned me and will fulfill his purpose in me.

I take comfort in Ecclesiastes 3:4 “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.” I trust the laughing and dancing are on the horizon. The beauty of spring outside gives me hope of a new life to come. I’m just trying to keep myself in the position to experience joy again. My family, friends and co-workers have blessed me in many ways giving me brief moments to experience joy again whether it be through lending a listening ear, giving me a shoulder to cry on, offering a prayer filled with hope, speaking an encouraging word, giving an embrace, or even surprising me with a gift of flowers to cheer my sorrowful state. I’m so thankful for everyone’s support and love...don’t know how I would make it without ya’ll. I have much to be thankful for...even for this season of grieving.

Jamie at 9:59 PM

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